Hello everyone ,
This is going to be the longest post , so grab a cup of tea and something to munch on ! haha .
I'm going to talk about something super personal today , and something that i've been struggling with since i was young , my weight.
I was never the skinniest person since i was young , i was always told that i was overweight , i had to loose more weight , i had to do this and that to make myself look better .
It was as if i wasn't suppose to be love , or feel worthy at all because of how i looked , how much i weigh.
I get picked on by almost every family member there is when i go back to Penang , or even here , in KL .
They would tell me that i was fat , i looked like an elephant with my giant thighs , i wasn't pretty or i didn't look good because i was overweight , etc.
I've been struggling with this since i was as young as 13 , and it scarred me .
i hated myself so much .
Every time something happens in my life , either someone close to me leaving me , or having people dislike me , or when something bad just happens to me , i don't blame it on anyone or anything else , i blamed it on my weight , i blamed myself for looking the way i looked , thats why all these things would happen .
Now , i've always asked some people why would they even say such a thing , why would they say things that would hurt me ? and one of their AMAZING answer's would be ,
" its for your own good "
REALLY ? because ,there is a DIFFERENCE between encouraging a person to lose weight to be healthy and encouraging a person to lose weight because they do not look good.
Like , do i really have to lose weight to look good ?
WHY are people encouraging people to lose more weight because of beauty ? Is that ALL that MATTERS IN LIFE ? is how you look all that matters ? is how much you weigh all that matters ?
Are you trying to tell me that people who do not fit into that " ideal body image" do not deserve to feel worthy and loved ? and that they deserved to get picked on because they do not fit into your image of a PERFECT BODY ?
It is because of all these things that people have said to me that made me hate myself more than i already do , and instead of working out for my health, i began to hate myself more and i began being so unhealthy that i've gained more weight.
Two years back , i would cry every night to my boyfriend because i was struggling so much because of my weight , when i looked completely fine (at least to me ) .
I cried and cried every night to a point where i starved myself sometimes too.
I wish i could tell myself , that thats not the only thing that mattered , i wish i could tell myself that , i should only do things because i want to love my body , i want to be healthy , not because i want to please someone else.
I wish i told myself that , and i wish i wasn't that harsh on myself.
Slowly after that , i began learning to love myself , being healthy by exercising and putting the right food into my body again.
It made me realise that , loving yourself and your body is so so important , because how you feel on the inside , shows on the outside .
Of course i had many days where i would be so unhappy with myself , and hate myself , but thank god , for my amazing boyfriend , and my amazing friends , who've always told me that i was beautiful the way i was , and reminded me again and again that i should always love myself.
There comes this year , where I've torn my ligament 5 months ago while exercising , and i didn't know what it was , my parents brought me to the traditional chinese physio for 2 months , but it didn't help , and so we went to a proper physio and found out that i have a torn ligament.
I couldn't even walk properly , and it hurts when i walk , but i thought it was nothing because the traditional chinese physio told me that it was nothing ,so i just walked with the pain anyway , thinking that it'll only be there for a while . LOL ( ok it was actually a really funny story)
Obviously , when i tore my ligament , i can't exercise ,therefore, in these few months , I've gained bit of weight again.
I was completely fine and happy with myself , because i obviously couldn't do anything about it.
I felt good , until i met my relatives ( bless them and bless their souls for being so amazing yay)
My cousin yelled in front of everyone when i went back to Penang " May , why are you so fat already ?!" and everyone laughed .
I explained to them that i've torn my ligament , a.nd they laughed again ,and of course , i was brought down again , i hated myself so much , again
I obviously struggled , i wasn't happy with myself , because for such a long time they've stopped talking about my weight , and now it starts again .
Then , i realised two things .
1) i regretted explaining myself to them about why my body is the way it is because , its my body , why the hell should i explain to someone why it looks the way it looks ? why do i have to explain to them how i've gained weight ? its not their bodies , ITS MINE. I DO NOT need to explain myself !
2) people will ALWAYS have something to say , and if i decided to lose weight just because i want people to stop talking about me , then , I'm heading to the wrong direction. Because if you are doing something for someone else , you are not doing it for yourself , and you will never be happy.
i want to let anyone who's struggling with their bodies and weight this ,
- Loving yourself comes from within . If you love your body , you would want to take care of it . If you are happy with it , fuck what everyone says , but if you are not , do something about it , but not for the wrong reasons , do it because you want to feel good , and because you want to love your body and thinks it deserved to be cared for.
- You are WORTHY no matter what shape or size you are and YOU DESERVED to be LOVED just like everyone else , don't ever think that you are unworthy , or don't deserved to be love.
- BEAUTY ISNT EVERYTHING . what if one day you've gained weight , what if one day you grow old and you've got wrinkles ? what if you lose all of that ? if you depend your worth on your beauty , you are going to struggle ! One day when that is taken away , what the hell do you have left ?!
- Always know that , you are not alone in this. There are many people who are struggling with their bodies no matter what shape or sizes they are too . So please , don't be too hard on yourself .
- always , always challenge your mind and thoughts when you have a bad thought
- ALWAYS surround yourself with people who gives you positivity and support . If you are always around people who have some shit to say about your body , motherfucking leave them. DIFFERENCIATE what they are saying , whether they are saying it for your health or they are just picking on you because of the way you look , how much you weigh . We don't need that negativity in our lives.
Obviously these things are easy to say , but harder to do ,
but learning to love yourself is always a process , people would ALWAYS have something to say , but like i said , always challenge it , and remind yourself that you are beautiful , or talk to someone who loves you that will give you the positivity again .
Its not easy , and I'm still struggling with it , but try!!
To my boyfriend , and friends who've always supported me and loved me the way i am , and telling me that i was beautiful no matter what , thank you , i wouldn't have done it without you guys , ever.
To all of you out there who are a part of skinny and fat shaming , i hope you realise it someday , because you do not know how it feels like getting picked on , if you knew , you would've said NOTHING.
Its NOT FUNNY even if its a joke , sometimes what you say could harm a person more than you think.
What if a person have listened to this so much that they've became aneroxic , bulimic , or any other mental illness that was caused by this ? Think before you speak.
But to all of you out there who are still struggling , please learn to love yourself , and always remember that , YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and don't EVER , EVER DOUBT THAT.
and , if you need a daily reminder , follow @healthyisthenewskinny on Instagram , that page , have helped me more than i could ever imagine .
x
