Sunday, August 9, 2015

My personal struggle with my weight

Hello everyone ,
This is going to be the longest post , so grab a cup of tea and something to munch on ! haha .
I'm going to talk about something super personal today , and something that i've been struggling with since i was young , my weight.
I was never the skinniest person since i was young , i was always told that i was overweight , i had to loose more weight , i had to do this and that to make myself look better . 
It was as if i wasn't suppose to be love , or feel worthy at all because of how i looked , how much i weigh.
I get picked on by almost every family member there is when i go back to Penang , or even here , in KL .
They would tell me that i was fat , i looked like an elephant with my giant thighs , i wasn't pretty or i didn't look good because i was overweight , etc.
I've been struggling with this since i was as young as 13 , and it scarred me . 
i hated myself so much .
Every time something happens in my life , either someone close to me leaving me , or having people  dislike me , or when something bad just happens to me , i don't blame it on anyone or anything else , i blamed it on my weight , i blamed myself for looking the way i looked , thats why all these things would happen . 
Now , i've always asked some people why would they even say such a thing , why would they say things that would hurt me ? and one of their AMAZING answer's would be ,
" its for your own good " 
REALLY ? because ,there is a DIFFERENCE between encouraging a person to lose weight to be healthy and encouraging a person to lose weight because they do not look good.
Like , do i really have to lose weight to look good ?

WHY are people encouraging people to lose more weight because of beauty ? Is that ALL that MATTERS  IN LIFE ? is how you look all that matters ? is how much you weigh all that matters ? 
Are you trying to tell me that people who do not fit into that " ideal body image" do not deserve to feel worthy and loved ? and that they deserved to get picked on because they do not fit into your image of a PERFECT BODY ?
It is because of all these things that people have said to me that made me hate myself more than i already do , and instead of working out for my health, i began to hate myself more and i began being so unhealthy that i've gained more weight. 
Two years back , i would cry every night to my boyfriend because i was struggling so much because of my weight , when i looked completely fine (at least to me ) .
I cried and cried every night to a point where i starved myself sometimes too. 

I wish i could tell myself , that thats not the only thing that mattered , i wish i could tell myself that , i should only do things because i want to love my body , i want to be healthy , not because i want to please someone else. 
I wish i told myself that , and i wish i wasn't that harsh on myself. 

Slowly after that , i began learning to love myself , being healthy by exercising and putting the right food into my body again. 
It made me realise that , loving yourself and your body is so so important , because how you feel on the inside , shows on the outside .
Of course i had many days where i would be so unhappy with myself , and hate myself , but thank god , for my amazing boyfriend , and my amazing friends , who've always told me that i was beautiful the way i was , and reminded me again and again that i should always love myself.

There comes this year , where I've torn my ligament 5 months ago while exercising , and i didn't know what it was , my parents brought me to the traditional chinese physio for 2 months , but it didn't help , and so we went to a proper physio and found out that i have a torn ligament.
I couldn't even walk properly , and it hurts when i walk , but i thought it was nothing because the traditional chinese physio told me that it was nothing ,so i just walked with the pain anyway , thinking that it'll only be there for a while . LOL ( ok it was actually a really funny story) 

Obviously , when i tore my ligament , i can't exercise ,therefore, in these few months , I've gained bit of weight again. 
I was completely fine and happy with myself , because i obviously couldn't do anything about it. 
I felt good , until i met my relatives ( bless them and bless their souls for being so amazing yay) 
My cousin yelled in front of everyone when i went back to Penang " May , why are you so fat already ?!" and everyone laughed .
I explained to them that i've torn my ligament , a.nd they laughed again ,and of course , i was brought down again , i hated myself so much , again
I obviously struggled  , i wasn't happy with myself , because for such a long time they've stopped talking about my weight , and now it starts again . 

Then , i realised two things .
1) i regretted explaining myself to them about why my body is the way it is because , its my body , why the hell should i explain to someone why it looks the way it looks ? why do i have to explain to them how i've gained weight ? its not their bodies , ITS MINE. I DO NOT need to explain myself !

2) people will ALWAYS have something to say , and if i decided to lose weight just because i want people to stop talking about me , then , I'm heading to the wrong direction. Because if you are doing something for someone else , you are not doing it for yourself , and you will never be happy.

i want to let anyone who's struggling with their bodies and weight this ,

  • Loving yourself comes from within . If you love your body , you would want to take care of it . If you are happy with it , fuck what everyone says , but if you are not , do something about it , but not for the wrong reasons , do it because you want to feel good , and because you want to love your body and thinks it deserved to be cared for. 
  • You are WORTHY no matter what shape or size you are and YOU DESERVED to be LOVED just like everyone else , don't ever think that you are unworthy , or don't deserved to be love.

  • BEAUTY ISNT EVERYTHING . what if one day you've gained weight , what if one day you grow old and you've got wrinkles ? what if you lose all of that ? if you depend your worth on your beauty , you are going to struggle ! One day when that is taken away , what the hell do you have left ?!
  • Always know that , you are not alone in this. There are many people who are struggling with their bodies no matter what shape or sizes they are too . So please , don't be too hard on yourself .
  • always , always challenge your mind and thoughts when you have a bad thought
  • ALWAYS surround yourself with people who gives you positivity and support . If you are always around people who have some shit to say about your body , motherfucking leave them. DIFFERENCIATE what they are saying , whether they are saying it for your health or they are just picking on you because of the way you look , how much you weigh . We don't need that negativity in our lives.

Obviously these things are easy to say , but harder to do ,
but learning to love yourself is always a process , people would ALWAYS have something to say , but like i said , always challenge it , and remind yourself that you are beautiful , or talk to someone who loves you that will give you the positivity again .
Its not easy , and I'm still struggling with it , but try!!

To my boyfriend , and friends who've always supported me and loved me the way i am , and telling me that i was beautiful no matter what , thank you , i wouldn't have done it without you guys , ever.

To all of you out there who are a part of skinny and fat shaming , i hope you realise it someday , because you do not know how it feels like getting picked on , if you knew , you would've said NOTHING.
Its NOT FUNNY even if its a joke , sometimes what you say could harm a person more than you think.
What if a person have listened to this so much that they've became aneroxic , bulimic , or any other mental illness that was caused by this ? Think before you speak.

But to all of you out there who are still struggling , please learn to love yourself , and always remember that , YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and don't EVER , EVER DOUBT THAT.

and , if you need a daily reminder , follow @healthyisthenewskinny on Instagram , that page , have helped me more than i could ever imagine .



  1. That is a beautiful post. Keep up the good work and never lose hope you are destined for amazing things and don't let anything hold you down.

    1. thank you so much ! it means a lot !!!! <3

  2. Replies
    1. amazing comment ! hahahaha kidding baby thank you and i love you!

  3. Thank you for writing this.

    Although I've not been overweight in my life, but I am what people call 'the skinny fat'. I was also called fat, chubby, thunder thighs, football leg, fishball face, any names you can think of actually.

    Some might argue that I wouldn't know how it feels like to be in your shoes, or feel the way you feel because I'm not overweight. But, everyone has their own insecurities and I myself struggle to love myself too.

    Because of the course that I'm studying now, there have been a number of times where I am required to appear in front of the camera. Whenever I look at those clips or photos, I would hate how I look because I wasn't photogenic enough or was I 'slim' enough to be on TV. And when I see other girls who are able to look so natural and beautiful on photos and in the clips, it would make me hate myself even more. It break me down even more, because I always loved and dream to be the front lines of the media. But, because the way I look, it has definitely break my spirit to be what I wanna be.

    We all face our struggle everyday. No matter how we look or what body we have. We go to the gym, we dress up, we put on make up, we try to speak in a certain way, act in a certain way and even walk in a certain way just to get our confidence level up. But there are still days, where you'll look yourself in the mirror and feel like shit.

    But most importantly, we pick ourselves up and continue fighting. It may be a long journey, but as long as we fight, I believe, we will win the battle some day.

    Your writing has definitely been a good reminder to love myself better.
    I've known you since primary school days. Trust me, you look great just the way you are now. Stay awesome!

    1. Hello ! Thank you for taking the time to read this post ! it means a lot !
      And also , yes , i do agree that everyone has their own insecurities ! and i want you to know that , you are NOT alone in this !!!!
      i would say , never compare yourself to anyone else , but i know how it feels like and i , too , have been there where I'm always comparing myself to other prettier girls , wondering why can't i be like that . We've all been there , i guess . But i just want you to know that , you are beautiful just the way you are and everyone is special in their own ways , no one is perfect ! In the future , if you've ever have that thought again , fight it , as hard as it sounds , because your body deserves that love , you deserve that love that comes from only you yourself ! Comparing ourselves to others would be really really toxic for us sometimes, and if we keep comparing , we would never be happy with ourselves . The beauty from within ,a person's confidence and personality on TV is all that matters because If you put a just a pretty face in front of the camera but she's boring and has no personality , i don't think she will make that clip or whatever it is fun ! But if you put a person who has a great personality , fun , and confident , everyone's attracted to that . JUST BE YOU!!!! and I'm glad that my writing helped a little, i never would've thought that it would help anyone at all !!!

      Reminding you again that you are beautiful just the way you are , eventho i don't know who you are ,and always , always love yourself no matter what!
      thanks once again for reading the post and being kind enough to leave a comment , you have no idea how much it actually means to me !!!!! Sending all my love and positivity to you xx


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